Don't Panic! You're in a safe place!

I have been seeing the same therapist for over a year now. I will admit there were a few months that I skipped and avoided because she told me something I didn't want to hear and I wanted sooooo badly to believe that she was a quack! But, she isn't...THANK GOD!

I have had a few different therapists in my past. One worked when I was a kid. I saw her a couple of times about specific worries after someone tried to break into our house. She replayed the events that occurred and reasoned through my fears and presented a logical and honestly very obvious observation. In that instance, I had an "Aha!" moment, something instantly clicked in my mind and I never went back.

The times that I think I could have benefitted from a therapist in the past, I FOUGHT it. I made the usual excuses and statements that I am sure plenty of people in denial can relate to. "I don't need one...I'm not crazy!" "I don't have THOSE types of issues." "I don't want to talk to a stranger about my life." But, to be honest, I think deep down I knew that they would tell me the obvious issues in my life and everything I didn't want to hear because I spent so long defending my decisions and ignoring the hurt and damage that was being done.

A turning point for me was when things got so bad that I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone and I had put so many of my emotions into tiny little boxes and put them on the shelf for so long that when the tears finally did surface, it was like the floodgates from emotional hell were released. I would literally push myself to do everything I NEEDED to do: my job, my bills, my obligations.... and then I would come home, eat, and literally binge watch something and cry on the floor with my dog.

I lost a ton of weight and really secluded myself from my friends and family. One day I walked into my doctor's office, who was also a family friend, and she looked at me and said what the hell is going on? You don't look like yourself at all.. and I burst into tears. She put me on 3 months worth of anti-depressants and I called my mom overseas and asked her to help me find someone who would do Zoom therapy sessions, who took my insurance. That's when we found my therapist.

She calls me on my shit. She doesn't just regurgitate the information I give her. She asks the correct questions that make me think. She encourages growth mentally, emotionally and overall just in life. She's an ex-literature teacher and gives me a Barbara Streisand vibe. Her house is filled with paintings that she created and I honestly couldn't think of a better fit.

Recently, we have been seeing each other weekly again. I've had quite a few stressful situations of late and lots of changes and my anxiety and mental health were taking a toll on me. There were a few weeks where we just recapped the day to days and I gave her updates from the time we didn't speak and it was back to all the surface issues. I had worked on using my 'feeling words' and addressing my emotions in the moment instead of saving them for later like the emotional squirrel that I've been for years. But last week she said to me that there seems to have been a shift. I opened up about things that I have been experiencing for years and never mentioned to her before. She asked why now and of course, I had no answer for her. But as the days have been going by, I have been having random memories and revelations when I was talking to Micah. Like past traumas have randomly just jumped out of their boxes and screamed SURPRISE at the least opportune times and it's been just random "OH!" moments in the middle of our ADHD riddled conversations. But the thing is, I have NEVER had a partner who was so supportive and understanding.

I think that it is a blessing and a curse to him (in my opinion) because he's created such a safe space for me to be entirely myself, open about my feelings and when I am struggling emotionally and mentally, and has never had a negative reaction to anything I have presented to him. He is reassuring and patient and compelled to work through issues with me rather than closing me out to deal with it on my own.

That being said, when my therapist and I met today, I had a better answer to her question. What changed? SO much.. I listened to a podcast called Ladies & Tangents. They did an episode about anxiety and the symptoms and it really broke down everything and explained the different forms it takes and I came to realize that my life has been formed around habits that accommodate my anxiety. I have come up with so many coping mechanisms that I did not realize were a result of me trying to survive my anxieties that have overwhelmed me for so long. Things that I thought were just a part of my day to day, were actually things that many other people experience too and it isn't my personality or just the way I am, it is ANXIETY.

I feel that mental health issues have been so weaponized in America. Someone doesn't want to do something and boom they use anxiety or depression or just a blanket mental health statement and people have just started rolling their eyes when they hear it as an excuse now.

I have issues with body fluids and germs. In middle school I can vividly remember kids finding out that if they touched me while I was eating I would go wash my hands again before I could eat again. My record was 12 times within that 30 min lunch period that I got up to wash my hands. So when my current job had asked me to clean human feces multiple times over the course of the past year, I vomited, had minor panic attacks, called my mom CRYING and ready to quit, and then scrubbed my hands for about 7 minutes straight before they sent me back to my daily tasks. Speaking with my therapist, she obviously isn't a fan of my job but I told her about my prepared letter to our biggest manager in store and how I had OSHA references printed and my attack plan. She told me point blank that if she was my boss and I quoted OSHA, she would tell me to fuck off and probably find ways to mess with me. Instead, she recommended I use a different approach for my meeting. The ASSERTIVE LADDER, the bane of my existence.

While I can be mean and assertive with my loved ones because I know that they are aware of who I am and that I love them, the people pleaser in me has a very difficult time setting boundaries and sticking to them with anyone else. But, I am aiming for growth and change soooooo I confronted my biggest boss. Just kidding, I asked her for a one-on-one and she is super freaking nice. So in line with the Assertive Ladder, I defined the problem, described my feelings, made my request and reinforced. I let her know that I am aware that my mental health isn't her issue and that everyone there wears many hats to ensure a productive day, but that certain things trigger me. Something that is undisputedly unpleasant for everyone, is something that has a much more severe and lasting effect on me. I told her that my mental health wasn't something I thought I needed to disclose up to this point but if necessary I could provide a doctor's note from my therapist. Without the threats of OSHA and by pushing through my discomfort, I was able to obtain the result that I wanted. None of my worst case scenarios occurred. None of the "what ifs" in my head or the role playing sessions in the mirror panned out. I was okay and I set a boundary that would make my life easier. It is probably a small step for the average person but for me it was a HUGE accomplishment.

Obviously, I got the note and a task that conflicted with the boundary surfaced and I had to tell one of my supervisor's the circumstances and they turned around and shared it with the rest of the supervisors. I heard the giggles and saw the eye rolls and it bothered me a bit. But hey, guess who isn't cleaning up shit anymore?! MEEEEEEE! I will take a win as a win.

Obviously, this story is ridiculous. I've come to realize that quite a bit of my anxiety induced situations are ridiculous but this is my reality a lot of the time. Simple tasks like hanging my clothes or walking the dog or writing once a week for my blog, become overwhelming and I struggle to push myself to start.

Change is uncomfortable. But my therapist says it isn't an overnight process, but it is worth putting in the time and effort NOW to avoid dealing with these things when I am 40 or 50 or 60. What is important though, is finding people who are willing to be there for you and occasionally hold your hand. Whether it's a therapist or partner or friend or family member, get yourself a good support system. My family, partner, friends and therapist have made a HUGE difference in my life. Weed out the negative energies and people who don't reciprocate or show up for you the way you do for them. Life is too short to waste it trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of yourself. Whatever you struggle with, it is up to you to make the changes for yourself. But trust me, it is so freaking worth it. Scary, but worth it.