Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude

Life has thrown me quite a few curve balls and given me plenty of topics to cover with my therapist. But overall, my life is pretty fucking dope.

Today I turned one year wiser. And while I sat in the waiting room of my gynecologist, waiting patiently past my appointment time on my birthday because that was the only appointment available in the foreseeable future, I was attempting to be zen, patient and positive. But when my leg started bouncing as they called in another patient before me, 10 minutes after my appointment time had passed, I knew that my impatient, petty self was blooming inside and I was morphing back into my natural state of my mind. But I took a breathe and calmed myself and then boom, my best friend's video call to wish me happy birthday came through. If my doctor was on time with my appointment, my feet would have been up in the stirrups and I wouldn't have gotten to answer that call.

(Terrible (or perfect) example of perspective.... depending on the way you view it!)

Normally on my birthday, I get a case of the blues and sometimes even the mean reds. But today, many things just seem to be going my way and when they haven't, I have chosen to look at the bright side. I turned up the music and just sang it out.

Started the day with a present from Pops: new vinyls for my collection! (Old school Christmas collections), cup of coffee and some gaming (currently playing Assassin's Creed: Originals). Then I went to the library with my mom to check out their donation shelves. (One of my favorite places... you get to take whatever books you want and make a donation accordingly. I spend entirely too much money there, growing my collection, so I have to limit my visits.) After that, went to my appointment. (Bleh) But, got a free coffee from Starbucks & the lady peer-pressured me into a large in the name of freeness. Picked up my little brother from school and now eating curry chicken patties for lunch! Later I am forcing boyfriend to dress up with me so I have an excuse to wear nice clothes and heels to Carrabbas for dinner. If possible, I will exploit my little sister for her photography skills and take the CHEESIEST pictures possible in front of the fountain in our neighborhood.

The point of all of this is not to recap my step by step through my boring ass day. The point is that there are always going to be negative aspects of the day (some days more than others), but there are so many things to be grateful for in my life and adding little pockets of happiness to my day is worth highlighting.

A few years back I was in a bad place in terms of mental health. I was crying for no reason and lost a ton of weight and my doctor friend put me on anti-depressants for 3 months because I "didn't seem myself". My mom found me the perfect therapist that I could talk to via video calls while I was in Jamaica. She called me on my crap and didn't just regurgitate the information I provided her. She is an ex-literature teacher, paints, has dogs and reminds me of Barbara Streisand. I don't know that there could be a better match than that. We haven't had to speak in awhile but she helped me get back to ME and helped me to learn to communicate better and set boundaries where needed and not forget that I deserve the same (or similar) love that I give out to others. There is still plenty of room for progress to be made on myself but I am proud to say that I evolve every day. Overall I am so grateful for the place that I am at now. I get to spend a ton of time with my family and be a part of their daily lives as they grow up. I have a boyfriend that I am not sure is even a real person because he is literally everything I dreamed of as a partner in human form (convinced he might be a figment of my imagination). I have my best friend by my side, Mr. Chicken, my Catahoula mix dog that migrated with me from Jamaica. A job that will temporarily provide me with funds while I work on my own personal projects that better feed my soul. & a small group of friends that seems to be thinning out over the years but is reliable and consistent.

Life isn't supposed to be easy. It's meant to push you and put you through the ringer because the only way to grow as a human being is to feel things. Every single feeling possible. For so long I tried to numb and ignore my feelings because I didn't want to face myself. But as I change and grow, I realize that feeling EVERYTHING is such a beautiful thing. Not just the rainbowy parts of life, but also the thunder storms and dark nights. They make me aware that I am ALIVE and shows me a steady growth towards a more happy and healthy life.

I am incredibly proud of how far I have come in the past few years. I basically started my life over TWICE. I moved from Montego Bay to Kingston during the pandemic and then from Kingston to Florida. If you asked me 5 years ago what my life would look like now, it wouldn't have looked like this. But, I firmly believe that I am where I am supposed to be, even if it's just to fulfill a purpose before moving on to somewhere else.

Year 29! So much potential to work with; books to read (and hopefully write), numbers to paint, Gilmore Girls to watch, love to give and love to receive, restaurants to explore and traveling to be done. Cheers to another rotation around the sun.

If you are having a shitty day, please consider taking the time to make a gratitude list. It sounds super corny and like a waste of time but humor me.... I can almost bet you will feel at least a little bit better afterwards.

& on that note.... as Gene Kelly did NOT say in Singin' in the Rain ... "Gratitude, Always Gratitude!"

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