It's My Birthday, I'll Cry If I Want To!

Today is my 29th birthday.

Most people go to one of two extreme defaults on their birthday: overly enthusiastic OR depressed.

I have found that for a significant amount of years i have been more on the depressed side. Not in the sense that I am sad that I am aging and boohoo wrinkles and back pain (although, yes...). But honestly, it is difficult to explain why I dread the day of my birth. I am so grateful for so many thing in my life but adding another year to my portfolio seems to just dredge up my self-loathing and awe at how far away I am from the expectations set for me by my younger self.

My entire life i have put more pressure on myself than anyone else around me. My mom was always pushing me to do better and be better but ultimately just be happy and do my best. It was me who got a below (my) average grade and came home crying because I was so disappointed in myself. That little girl still lives inside of me. Growing up I thought I would have a kid by 25, working the dream job with the absolutely perfect husband and pristine house. Now, I have a pretty incredible boyfriend, but realistically, I hate my job, I live with my family and I am nowhere near ready for a kid.

But, while I often find myself beating myself for my wasted brain and potential, I also find that I have so many things to be thankful for. No, I don't have all the things that my 15 year old self thought I would have or need, but I have a home full of people who love me, a boyfriend who adores me, a dog who is OBSESSED with me, food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, progress and stability with my mental health, a job with a pretty dope benefits package and 401k, candles, books, vinyls, a small friend group, a charcoal memory foam pillow that makes my inner old lady happy, and overall just LIFE!

It is never too late for me to start something new and this blog is a testament to that. So I will be the first to tell myself that I need to chill tf out and trust the process. While I love control and planning, I also am a firm believer that everything will happen as it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. What affi me, affi me. Nothing in this world will change that.

So yes, I am sad on my birthday. Yes, I will probably cry at some point. Yes, I am wishing I was a little closer to my goals than I am. But also yes, I am doing freaking great and I am determined to be one step closer each and every day. Today I will eat my cake and dress up nicely to do absolutely nothing and I will LIVE and LOVE and just try to be more and more myself, openly each day.

There have been so many changes of late and it has been emotionally, mentally and physically taxing but I am growing more in love with my life and who I am with time.

My word of advice for anyone reading: Add something that makes you happy to as many moments as humanly possible! And when you can, take a step back and appreciate all the things you do have rather than dwell on what you don't have.

Alright, I am done rambling for today! This post probably wasted a few minutes of your time but today's my day, so oh well. It was for me, not you!

xx

<3 from 29 year old Taylor. :)