Let's Be Real: No One Knows Wtf is Going On!

Feeling like you're not doing as well as you expected? Feeling like your friends and acquaintances on social media are doing better than you? Feeling like at this point in your life, you should probably know what you want to do for the rest of your life? Feeling the overwhelming pressure of doom because adulthood isn't as fun as you thought it would be? THIS IS A POST DEDICATED TO YOU!

With an abundance of imagery of the 'perfect' lives of others, pointed advertisements, sharing of only good news for public viewing and just the overwhelming amount of information that is at your fingertips, it is no wonder that so many people are depressed or struggling with their mental health.

What is life without a little chaos?

I have always been the person who my mother didn't have to scold very much because if my grades were lacking or I underperformed, the words that she could say to me would have tremendous impact but would also not compare to the negative feedback I had for myself. So now? In my late 20s, approaching 30, I look at my life sometimes and see failed potential and all the things I did NOT do.

Don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for restarting your life from scratch and a supporter of the notion that it is never too late to change your life or start a new venture. But, also I beat myself up quite often as well. I graduated high school two years early. I entered University at 16 and graduated, with a bachelor's degree, just after my 21st birthday. At 21 you still have so much life in front of you. If I decided to turn around and go back to school at that point, I would still have been ahead of so many people when I graduated, with a second degree, at 25. But to do that at 29? Feels so bleh. At this point I should know at least a bit about what I like or what I would want to do to feed my soul for the rest of my life while collecting a check. But realistically, I HAVE NO IDEA! But, to be fair, I would like to tell you that most people have no idea!

We paint this illusion online or when telling stories to our friends, that we have everything all figured out. Perfect boyfriend. Steady job. Education. The best of friends. A flawless family. But really, who is going to put their failed attempts online? Who is going to broadcast that their family is crazy and their boyfriend is a narcissist? They have a successful company or project that they have worked on and they post it once it's successful! They aren't going to show you the struggles and failed attempts before the success. They have a gorgeous man by their side but aren't going to highlight the gaslighting and the cheating. Crazy Uncle SoAndSo? He isn't talked about unless the family reunion is coming up. So to measure and compare yourself to a standard that is visible without taking into consideration the behind the scenes, is setting yourself up for failure.

Give yourself a little credit! You're alive. You have dreams and goals. You are striving for better every, single, day. Please remember that small steps are still steps. Mistakes make you human and aware that you are alive and capable of feeling. Take them as life lessons and adjust your progress forward to reflect your experiential education. Don't fall for the illusions you see presented online or in magazines or in the RomCom movies you see on tv. You are doing great and if ever you are in doubt of that, remember that nobody is perfect! We all have room for improvement and growth and change.

If you are anything like me, you see your friends getting married or another one is about to pop out a whole ass human that they grew inside of them. You get sad and depressy, eat half a bag of s'mores snack mix and rewatch your favorite show for the 100th time, feeling sorry for yourself and wishing you were closer to your goals of owning a house and getting married and starting a family (or your own version of that, including cats/dogs or the ultimate bachelor's pad). I can honestly tell you that I have freaked my boyfriend out a couple times, crying on the phone about how big a loser I am because I work for a huge company that exploits my talents because I am overqualified and underpaid, have a retirement plan that I can't touch for the next 40 years and still can't afford to move out of my mother's house.

I booked an appointment with my therapist to recap all the things that have occurred in the past year and a half since I moved to America and spoke to her last. So naturally, I made a list of good things and not so good things to discuss and it put things into a bit of perspective. I get so caught up with the day to day that I haven't really been able to step back and realize that A LOT has happened in the last year and I have done a hell of a good job coping with some of that.

Honestly, there have been many opportunities to just settle and accept less than what I deserved or wanted. (Believe me, I test drove many of those opportunities for entirely too long) I compromised and paid the price with heartache and tears. But I believe that it all happened for a reason and taught me what I didn't want in my life. I wanted to wait and get as close to what I wanted as possible and as my life unfolds before me, I am realizing that it has been worth the wait. I have a family that is freakishly close that I can rely on and who relies on me. I have friends who I don't have to talk to all the time but we are aware that no matter what we will be there for each other when it comes down to it. I have a boyfriend that I am still not sure exists and might be a figment of my imagination because it is unreal how many of the boxes he ticks on my unrealistic list of the perfect significant other. I have a dope dog who has the personality of a human and the heart of a giant. I have created a book and plant collection that excites me and continues to grow. I am surrounded by positivity and support and hope and that is a hell of a good place to be.

I am learning with time to embrace the chaos. To assign feeling words to my feelings and actually feel them rather than compartmentalizing and moving on without processing. I have weeded out many people and things that amplify my anxiety and eliminated negative energies as much as possible when dealing with other human beings. Something that stuck with me from one of my sessions was when she said that I should add more and more things into my life that make me feel happy. I picked up painting (by numbers), I started a garden, I go on walks with Chicken, I hang out with my family and Micah. I read excessively. I attempt to write a book, fail and start with at least posting on my blog once a week. On the bad days, which there still are, I let myself feel the blues and the reds, I cry if I need to, I turn to my support system, I eat junk food and watch Gilmore Girls and I do something productive, even if that just means doing a load of laundry or washing my hair.

I am a high functioning person who struggles with anxiety and depression at times. Does it get the best of me sometimes and make me not so functiony? Yes. Does it sometimes mean that my room is messy and I lay on my floor for 45 minutes every night before I go shower? Yes. But that is also part of the process. My point here isn't to dump all my mental/emotional deficiencies at your feet. It is to let you know that it is okay not to be okay all the time. It is okay not to be exactly where you pictured yourself when you planned your entire future at 15 years old. It's okay that your friends are happy and that their happiness looks different from yours. It's okay to feel like crap when you see things on the internet. But I also want you to not dwell on it for too long! Give yourself credit for your accomplishments. Keep pushing towards your goals and dreams. And PLEASE don't forget that everyone struggles with something and nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

On that note, let's wrap up with a corny quote:

Embrace the Chaos Baby! It'll all be okay :)